Week Twelve - Holy One, You Have Won My Heart

Day 76   Monday   12-13-1

John 10:28, 17:12

I have given them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them from my hands. I have guarded them, and not one of them was lost.

I grew up being taught that we could never lose out salvation. But after having some discussion with my friends, and studying it out for myself, I think I may have changed my mind. some people use this scriptrue to go against this theory. in these verses Jesus is saying He will never let us go, which is true, He won't, but we always have the choice to leave. If we didn't have that choice, then we wouldn't have free will, and God wouldn't be who we think He is. As I thought about it more, God gave me a revelation applying to my own life.

Being adopted, I have been placed into a new family. They have raised me for 18 years. They have never given up on me, but I have always had the choice to get up and leave (especially now that I am 18), and go back to my biological family, completely forgetting about my adoptive family. If I did that, I would lose all the benefits of my adoptive family. My family loves me, so they would do their best to get me back, but they would never force me. this is what it's like in God's family too; this is free will.

Yeah, it's scary to think it's possible to lose eternal life, but personally, I'd rather be a little scared now and have the chance to change, than be horribly surprised later.

Day 78   Wednesday   12-15-10

So, God delights in us, right? I learned something today. That also means that He thinks we're funny. God thinks we are hilarious! So next time you say something that you think is funny, but nobody else gets (which happens to me often...) just remember God is laughing with you!

Just a thought for the day :)

Day 81    Saturday   12-18-10

Isaiah 61:3b

He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.

Wow. Tonight is my 2nd to last night in the prayer room. I go home on Monday and I am so excited! This week God has been showing me the big picture of what He has done in my heart.

Along with my identity being firmly rooted and grounded in Him (although it is still a process). He has given me beauty for my ashes.

For the first time, ever, I see myself as God sees me. Beautiful both inside and out.

I am so thankful for what He has done, I don't have the words to express myself. All the things I have written about, the healings, the things He has told me, those were all little brush strokes in the picture of my heart.

People have told me I look different, I carry myself differently, and it's so true. I feel different! I am so alive!

I can't wait to see what the next three months brings.

"I'm more than what these ashes say

For they will fade away when He comes for me.

By grace, through faith in Christ I'm saved

I am not the same when He looks at me.

I am the rose, the joy for which You died,

And this I know I move You with delight.

And when my heart condemns on everyside,

I take refuge in the truth, I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye

I'm hidden in now in Christ, and I'm one with Him.

My love is real before His eyes

He's ravished by the sight of one glance from me.

I am the rose, I am the lily,

I am Yours, I am Your beauty! "

Week Eleven - I Believe You Move at the Sound of My Voice

Day 69   Monday   12-6-10

Song of Solomon 1:5a

I am dark, but lovely.

Psalm 30:5, 33:5

His anger lasts for a moment, His favor lasts a lifetime! He loves whatever is just and good and His unfailing love fills the Earth.

God has been doing a lot these last few days. He has asked me challenging questions, called me to do difficult things but I have also had to question Him and who He is. 

I have been reading through the old testament the last couple of weeks. At this point, I've gotten through Genesis Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers, currently reading Deuteronomy. I got really tripped up in Numbers because of how severely God punished the Israelites for breaking the law. He seemed to me to be an angry, mean God. But I had just broken that mindset and I was actually starting to see Him as loving and kind. But knowing that God is always the same and never changes, I was very confused to say the least. We had a session with Stuart Greaves where we could ask him any question (he is very wise…he also has a photographic memory so any question we ask, he at least has a small answer to). I asked him about this. He gave an amazing answer that blew my mind, but it was kind of general. I don't remember most of it though (I should have taken notes). But it left me with the question of, "Well, ok. But how does God view me when I mess up?"

I ended up having a breakdown that night in the prayer room because of that, and the other two issues piled on top of each other.

The next day, I had another opportunity to ask him this question. He explained to me that there is a difference between immaturity and rebellion. It's like a pig, sheep and mud. If you pull a pig out of the mud and clean him off, he's just gonna jump right back into it. But a sheep is going to do it's best to try and get out of that mud no matter how deep it's in or how thick it is. That's like us. If there is a struggle in our hearts between right and wrong, even if we choose wrong most of the time, God still smiles upon us because He sees that we have a "yes" in our hearts.

We may be full of filth and gross, but if we say Yes! To Him, He sees us as lovely.

Day 72   Thursday   12-9-10

Luke 4:4

But Jesus told him, "No! The Scriptures say 'People need more than bread for their life'".

Today in burn team we were giving testimonies of different missions trips we've been on and a question popped in my mind as I was reminded of my trip to Minnesota last July (I have a blog about it if you want to read it :-).

"God, how is it that people in 3rd world countries and inner cities, sometimes, have more joy, peace and desire for You than I do? How can they be so content with almost nothing?"

He answered me so clearly.

"People blame Me for starvation in Africa. They ask 'Where are You God? If You are really there, why don't You provide?' But Katie, I do provide! Where do you think they get that joy? And you can't just get peace from nowhere. I have given them a desire for Me, because that is how they will truly live."

It was such an amazing revelation. I have been "blinded", so to speak, from the fullness of these things because I do have the comforts of living and (even though that's not a bad thing) they have kept me from completely stepping into the gifts He has for me.   

Day 73   Friday   12-10-10

Matthew 22:37-38

Jesus replied "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.

"I'm in love with God

God's in love with me.

This is who I am

This is who I'll be

And that settles it,

Completely.

Right now today I'm loved by God

This is my testimony.

Right now today I'm loved by God

This is my declaration."

Around the beginning of Fire in the Night, I wrote a little about how I found my identity in others, and not Christ. I kind of forgot about that until this past week. We have had a few teachings this week that touch on the subject of being lovers of God.

We might feel called to different areas of life. Stay at home mom, doctor, preacher, teacher etc. but ultimately, our identity and calling is to be in love with God.

I thought that it would just "click" when I finally found my identity in Him. But as I look back, I've realized that it has been a process during these 3 months. Little things other people have done that would have threatened my identity in the past don't bother me as much anymore. I've always loved God, but as that love grows my identity is changing. What matters the most is that I love God, He loves me and that's it. That is who I am created to be. 

Week Ten - The Secret Garden

Day 63   Tuesday    11-30-10

"I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

Come into Your garden and take delight in me!"

Song of Solomon 4:12-13,15

You are like a private garden, My treasure, My bride! You are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of My own. You are like a lovely orchard bearing precious fruit, with the rarest of perfumes. You are a garden fountain, a well of living water, as refreshing as the streams from the Lebanon Mountains.

The past couple days, God has been highlighting this to me. I love it. I'll read it over and over again and I never get tired of it. I've noticed a difference in how I posture my heart these last few days. I'm guarding my heart a lot more (Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.). These verses feel like my life right now. I am a garden for Jesus to come and enjoy. I belong to Him alone and it will stay that way until my wedding day, when my husband takes me as his own under God's authority. Even in the midst of dating and engagement, I won't belong to him, and he won't belong to me, until we are married. I am being consecrated, set apart for Jesus Christ. This excites me, but I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's because when I think about it, I can feel His love on my heart. And that, is beautiful.

"Its not about looking for the man who has the key to my heart. It's about looking at the Man, Jesus Christ, who holds that key and waiting for a man to come along who sees I'm worth enough to ask Him for it."

~ Katie Kotila 

Day 65   Thursday    12-2-10

Matthew 5:8

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.

Something cool happened last night. In the prayer room, they had a time of praying for the sick in the room and I stood up like I always do. My roommate Kendall came to pray for me like she almost always does. A few other people gathered around too. The worship team then started playing the song:

"He is jealous for me,

Love like a hurricane,

Bending beneath the waves of His mercy."

Something in me broke and I started to cry. Kendall continued to pray and speak truth to me. After a while she looked at me and said, "Innocence and purity is all over you. God calls you pure; your name is pure." I said, "Yeah, it is." She smiled and nodded. I replied, "No, really. My name means Pure One."

Katherine means Pure One.

How could I forget?! But I am pure, and I know this because that is how God views me. The blood of Jesus has washed me clean. It's so cool that God used my own name to speak to me.

What does your name mean? Maybe God wants to remind you of something too!   

This next journal entry was from a couple weeks ago, but I switched notebooks in the middle of the week so I forgot about it. But I think it's the perfect timing with Christmas right around the corner. :)

Day 41  Monday  11-8-10

Galations 4:4

But when the right time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman. 

Thank about this. Jesus as a baby. But Jesus is God's spirit in human form. So God as a baby. But just because this baby was God, doesn't mean He was physically any different than the other babies. He still had to learn to crawl, walk, and speak. Can you imagine? The God who spoke the Earth into existence had to learn to talk all over again. The God who walked with Adam and Eve in Eden had to take His first baby steps.

Luke 2:40

And the child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.

This verse suggests that Jesus didn't know who He truly was right when He was born (because He did, in fact, have a physical human brain just like us). Just like any other baby; they don't know who they are right away. It's something they learn! I think Jesus gradually learned/remembered that He was the Son of God. What if Jesus thought to Himself, "Something feels different about Me. Why don't I ever get in trouble like my brother James does?" 

What happened when God decided that Jesus was ready to see an angel? How would have Jesus responded?

"I feel like I know you from somewhere! Have we met before?" Ha!

Think about these questions we can ask Mary someday: (some of these are funny, but some you have to really think about to understand them)

What was it like watching Him pray?

When He saw a rainbow, did He say anything about a flood?

When He saw a lamb being led to the slaughter, did He act differently? 

Did you ever see Him with a distant look on His face as if He was listening to something you couldn't hear?

How did He act at funerals?

Did you ever try to count the stars with Him...and succeed?

Did He have any friends by the name of Judas?

What do you think He felt when He saw a prostitute offering up her body (that He made) to the highest bidder?

Did you ever see Him pensively looking at the flesh on His own arm while holding a pile of dirt?

When someone mentioned Satan, how did He act?

These questions intrigue me! What if He was reading the Bible one day suddenly He was like, "Woah! I remember now! I totally wrote this!" 

The fact that the God of the universe shrunk Himself to a couple-celled organism in the womb of a young woman, because He loves us, blows my mind.  

Week Nine - My Name is Hephzibah, He Delights in Me!

Day 55   Monday     11-22-10

Song of Solomon 4:9

You have ravished My heart, My sister, My bride. I am overcome by one glance of your eyes.

Last night in the prayer room was great. It was our day off so we only go to the 4am-6am set. Unless we go to an optional class at 1am. Then they ask us to be there from 2am-4am also (usually the class goes until about 2:30 though). I always go to this class because it's awesome and because by 1am there really isn't much else to do. Haha!

For the last few weeks God has been highlighting to me that He is proud of me and He delights in me. Every single time a person (especially those who don't know me) prays for m they always say, "He delights in you so much!" or "He is so proud of you!" Each time I hear those words, I will start to cry because it is so hard for me to believe. This all started when I had a conversation with my leader Amber. This subject came up and she suggested that I take time each night to say "He is proud of me" to myself. And I'm not saying that I would be trying to convince myself of this fact. No; our words have so much power you guys! Whether they are good or bad, the things we speak to ourselves and others do have an affect. (Proverbs 18:4, 21 - A person's words can be life-giving water words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook…for the tongue can kill or nourish me.) So I tried this suggestion for a night or two but I would always start to cry because I simply couldn't believe that a God like Him, could delight in me.

But after sitting in the prayer room a bit last night, I began to feel God's presence. I was sitting, soaking it in, when it suddenly just clicked! He is proud of me! He does delight in me! Finally, I could wrap my mind around it! But most importantly, my heart accepted it. Right after this realization, the worship team began to sing this song:

"I am the rose, the joy for which You died

And this I know, I move You with delight.

When my heart condemns on every side,

I take refuge in the truth, I am the rose to You.

You really enjoy me.

You really are for me.

Finally I'll believe it.

Finally I'll receive it.

I'll stop trying to control You.

I'll stop trying to resist You.

I'll just let You love me."

This new perspective on how God views me is incredible. It's a whole new mindset. Subconsciously, in the back of my mind, I always thought God was mad at me. But He really isn't. He is so proud of me. When I beat myself up when it comes to my lack of faithfulness to Him, He still enjoys me. I think a lot of Christians, and even non-believers have that "mad, mean God" mindset. But it's completely the opposite. He delights in who we are, because that is who He created us to be. 

Isaiah 62:4,5

But You shall be called Hephzibah...for the Lord delights in you. And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you. 

Day 56    Tuesday    11-23-10

"My sin, not in part, but the whole,

Was nailed to the cross

And I bear it no more.

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul,

Praise the Lord!"

Joel 2:12-13

That is why the Lord says, "Turn to Me now, while there is still time! Give Me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping and mourning. Don't tear your clothing in grief; instead tear your hearts." Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. He is not easily angered. He is filled with kindness and is eager not to punish you.

Last night while in the prayer room at about 1 or 1:30am, we received the news of North Korea bombing South Korea. That immediately became the prayer focus of about 99% of everyone in the room. It was so powerful. We have a girl from South Korea in Fire in the Night; we call her Michelle. There are also many Koreans at IHOP that are in the nightwatch hours, including one of the worship leaders.

As we entered into a time of prayer (which lasted at least until 6am) for North and South Korea, Michelle began to weep while she interceded for her country.

Today Dale, our teacher for Life of David class, taught a little bit using last night as an example. He asked, "How can anyone stand strong in these moments? How was Michelle able to begin weeping profusely in a moment?" The subject of prayer, Michelle's country, touched something deep in her heart. She had a heart connection to the situation, but also to God.

God wants a heart connect with us. He wants our prayers to mean something. If I just "quote" my prayer, my heart isn't connected. Yes, God still hears, moves and cares, but He'd much rather us pray with emotion behind it. With our heart feeling what is on His, breaking for breaks His. Michelle tore her heart, and poured out her pain to Him.

Which brings me to another question.

Did you know that our pain is an offering to God? With our pain, we have two options. It can be a badge we wear, or it can be an offering.

Some people (myself included) can wear their pain almost as a badge of honor. Saying, "Hey look everybody! Look at what I've been through! Isn't it awful?" This can lead to self-pity and the victim spirit (both of which I am familiar with). Now don't get thrown off by the word "spirit". It's not like a demon or anything. In contexts like this, you can replace "spirit" with "mindset". In this situation, it is the thinking or desire to present yourself as a victim in order to get sympathy and pity from others.

Or, we have option number two. We can present our pain as an offering by pouring it out to God, at the alter, the cross.

This is what God desire for us, because He is a good Father who doesn't wish for His children to be in pain. Our pain was nailed to the cross along with Jesus. There is no need for us to carry it any longer.

Matthew 11:28 says

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

I don't know about you, but I want my pain to be an offering in the eyes of God.

Sitting in the prayer room tonight, thinking about this, I thought "Well, if we focus on our pain and self-pity, isn't that almost like cheating on God? He deserves our full attention and for us to give the glory to Him." Then He reminded me of the book of Hosea.

Basically the story is, Hosea marries a prostitute, she continuously cheats on him, but he always takes her back. God is like that too. Whenever we run after other things, focus on other things, He willalways take us back. Here are some verses from Hosea:

Hosea 2:5,14,19-20

She said, "I'll run after other lovers and sell myself to them for food and drink, for clothing of wool and linen, and for olive oil."

But then I will win her back again…I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness, and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine.

Hosea 3:1b

"…Bring her back to you and love her even though she loves adultery."

Hosea 6:2

In just a short time, he will restore us so we can live in his presence.

Hosea 14:4

The Lord says, "Then I will heal you of your idolatry and faithlessness, and my love will know no bounds, for My anger will be gone forever."

I don't want to be a "prostitute", selling myself to other things. I want to be faithful to God in all areas of my life! 

Day 59    Friday    11-26-10

John 19:34

One of the soldiers, however, pierced His side with a spear, and blood and water poured

out.

Today there was no EGS because of Thanksgiving break, so we didn't have anything except for a class at 9pm. In this class we watched a documentary called "The Case for Christ". It's made by an atheistic journalist about his search on Jesus Christ. It was phenomenal. It answers so many questions, specifically historical questions about Jesus and the Bible. One thing that really struck me was this:

Medical experts say that when Jesus' side was pierced, it most likely resulted in His heart rupturing.

Jesus' heart was broken for us.

No Katie, His heart ruptured because His side was pierced.

Yeah, but He was on that cross for us.

He gave His life for us.

He took on sin for us.

He went to Hell and back for us.

He chose death because of His love for us.

He loved us so much, that His heart was literally broken.

After the movie, we had discussion time and my teacher showed us something really cool. 

Psalm 22:1a,16-18

My God, my God! Why have You forsaken me? My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs; an evil gang closes in on me. They have pierced my hands and feet. I can count every bone in my body. My enemies stare and gloat. They divide my clothes among themselves ad throw dice for my garments.

Back then, in order to graduate school, you were required to memorize the entire Torah (or Old Testament) which includes the Psalms. This Psalm is considered a prophetic passage, speaking of the coming Messiah. Now look at this:

Matthew 27: 35,46

After they had nailed Him to the cross, the soldiers gambles for His clothes by throwing dice. At about 3 o'clock, Jesus called out, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachtani?" which means "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"

Here you see first hand one of the 4 dozen Old Testament prophesies Jesus fulfilled. And because everyone around Him knew Psalm 22, they knew at that moment exactly what had just happened.

Matthew 27:54

The Roman officer and the soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified at what just happened and said, "Truly, this was the Son of God."

Week Eight - Continuing to Grow

Day 48     Monday     11-15-10

Galatians 5:22,25

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives.

The Holy Spirit. Woah, Katie...slow down. Are you really gonna go there? Yeah, I am. So many people and churches today are afraid to talk about the Holy Spirit. You know why? Because it's "out there", "different", "scary", "unknown". When in reality, the Bible actually tells us that the Holy Spirit is a vital part to our Christian walk. Besides; God is "unknown" too. Even "scary"! Have you ever read the book of Revelation? That's pretty darn scary if you aren't prepared. But being a Christian is a journey of growing in your knowledge of God, and cultivating a relationship with Jesus. So really, what's the difference? God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Trinity.

Everyone who was raised in the church knows (or at least should know) the "Fruits of the Spirit" (which were just listed in the verse). They aren't called the "Fruits of God". They are called the "Fruits of theSpirit". A lot of non-Christians believe in God. Heck, even demons know who God is. But it's the Holy Spirit dwelling within yo that produces this fruit.

Acts 12:3 says

No one is able to say "Jesus is Lord" except by the Holy Spirit.

Ok, anyone can say "Jesus is Lord if they wanted to, but what I think Paul is saying here is, no one can truly believe it, live it out and proclaim those 3 words without the Holy Spirit. So every Christian who lives out their faith, is accompanied by the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:1a

So I advise you to live according to your new life in the Holy Spirit.

Well, Katie, I don't really know how to "live according" to the Holy Spirit. TRUST.

T - "Thank You". Thank the Holy Spirit for being with you, for His loving leadership in your life.

R - "Reign in me". Let Him lead you in every part of your life. Which is easier said than done...I know.

U - "Use me". Ask Him to use you in other peoples lives.

S - "Strengthen me". We all need strength...just for life in general!

T - "Teach me". Ask Him to guide you into truth with your life, with His word etc.

There; there's where to start. The Holy Spirit will take you from there! :D

Day 53    Saturday    11-20-10

Matthew 6: 1-2,4

Don't do your good deeds publicly, to be admired, because then you will lose the reward from your Father in Heaven. When you give a gift to someone in need, don't shout about it as the hypocrites do - blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity. I assure you, they have received all the reward they will ever get. Give your gifts in secret, and your Father, who knows all secrets, will reward you.

"I want to live before Your eyes,

I want to stay before Your gaze,

Keep me steady here.

I wanna be found faithful,

I wanna be found steady

Till the end."

Mike Bickle taught on this verse today in Church and it really hit home for me. A lot of the time, I do "good works" because I want certain people to see, or I wanted approval etc. I know this verse was in the Bible, but I kinda ignored it. God highlighted it to me tonight. He showed me that I never feel accepted with who I am, and I don't feel worthy of love, and therefore I do things for acceptance and approval. I've always wanted people to look and say, "Wow. Look at her, she's super nice!" Half the time, since I'm so used to doing this, I do it subconsciously.

Ok, so I have to do everything good in secret?

Nope. That's pretty much impossible. Somedays, you are going to do stuff that people do see, and they will praise you fr it. There's nothing wrong with that. But our motive behind why we do god works should always be evaluated. If we get mad ecause we didn't get the recognition we "deserved" from doing something, then our motive probably wasn't pure. I don't know about you, but I would rather have Jesus say "Wow. Look at what she is doing for Me!" (Matthew 25:40 - I assure you, what you did for one of the least of these, you also did for Me)  I'd rather get my eternal reward, than a reward that lasts for 5 minutes.