Day 69 Monday 12-6-10
Song of Solomon 1:5a
I am dark, but lovely.
Psalm 30:5, 33:5
His anger lasts for a moment, His favor lasts a lifetime! He loves whatever is just and good and His unfailing love fills the Earth.
God has been doing a lot these last few days. He has asked me challenging questions, called me to do difficult things but I have also had to question Him and who He is.
I have been reading through the old testament the last couple of weeks. At this point, I've gotten through Genesis Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers, currently reading Deuteronomy. I got really tripped up in Numbers because of how severely God punished the Israelites for breaking the law. He seemed to me to be an angry, mean God. But I had just broken that mindset and I was actually starting to see Him as loving and kind. But knowing that God is always the same and never changes, I was very confused to say the least. We had a session with Stuart Greaves where we could ask him any question (he is very wise…he also has a photographic memory so any question we ask, he at least has a small answer to). I asked him about this. He gave an amazing answer that blew my mind, but it was kind of general. I don't remember most of it though (I should have taken notes). But it left me with the question of, "Well, ok. But how does God view me when I mess up?"
I ended up having a breakdown that night in the prayer room because of that, and the other two issues piled on top of each other.
The next day, I had another opportunity to ask him this question. He explained to me that there is a difference between immaturity and rebellion. It's like a pig, sheep and mud. If you pull a pig out of the mud and clean him off, he's just gonna jump right back into it. But a sheep is going to do it's best to try and get out of that mud no matter how deep it's in or how thick it is. That's like us. If there is a struggle in our hearts between right and wrong, even if we choose wrong most of the time, God still smiles upon us because He sees that we have a "yes" in our hearts.
We may be full of filth and gross, but if we say Yes! To Him, He sees us as lovely.
Day 72 Thursday 12-9-10
Luke 4:4
But Jesus told him, "No! The Scriptures say 'People need more than bread for their life'".
Today in burn team we were giving testimonies of different missions trips we've been on and a question popped in my mind as I was reminded of my trip to Minnesota last July (I have a blog about it if you want to read it :-).
"God, how is it that people in 3rd world countries and inner cities, sometimes, have more joy, peace and desire for You than I do? How can they be so content with almost nothing?"
He answered me so clearly.
"People blame Me for starvation in Africa. They ask 'Where are You God? If You are really there, why don't You provide?' But Katie, I do provide! Where do you think they get that joy? And you can't just get peace from nowhere. I have given them a desire for Me, because that is how they will truly live."
It was such an amazing revelation. I have been "blinded", so to speak, from the fullness of these things because I do have the comforts of living and (even though that's not a bad thing) they have kept me from completely stepping into the gifts He has for me.
Day 73 Friday 12-10-10
Matthew 22:37-38
Jesus replied "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
"I'm in love with God
God's in love with me.
This is who I am
This is who I'll be
And that settles it,
Completely.
Right now today I'm loved by God
This is my testimony.
Right now today I'm loved by God
This is my declaration."
Around the beginning of Fire in the Night, I wrote a little about how I found my identity in others, and not Christ. I kind of forgot about that until this past week. We have had a few teachings this week that touch on the subject of being lovers of God.
We might feel called to different areas of life. Stay at home mom, doctor, preacher, teacher etc. but ultimately, our identity and calling is to be in love with God.
I thought that it would just "click" when I finally found my identity in Him. But as I look back, I've realized that it has been a process during these 3 months. Little things other people have done that would have threatened my identity in the past don't bother me as much anymore. I've always loved God, but as that love grows my identity is changing. What matters the most is that I love God, He loves me and that's it. That is who I am created to be.
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