Week Twelve - Holy One, You Have Won My Heart

Day 76   Monday   12-13-1

John 10:28, 17:12

I have given them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them from my hands. I have guarded them, and not one of them was lost.

I grew up being taught that we could never lose out salvation. But after having some discussion with my friends, and studying it out for myself, I think I may have changed my mind. some people use this scriptrue to go against this theory. in these verses Jesus is saying He will never let us go, which is true, He won't, but we always have the choice to leave. If we didn't have that choice, then we wouldn't have free will, and God wouldn't be who we think He is. As I thought about it more, God gave me a revelation applying to my own life.

Being adopted, I have been placed into a new family. They have raised me for 18 years. They have never given up on me, but I have always had the choice to get up and leave (especially now that I am 18), and go back to my biological family, completely forgetting about my adoptive family. If I did that, I would lose all the benefits of my adoptive family. My family loves me, so they would do their best to get me back, but they would never force me. this is what it's like in God's family too; this is free will.

Yeah, it's scary to think it's possible to lose eternal life, but personally, I'd rather be a little scared now and have the chance to change, than be horribly surprised later.

Day 78   Wednesday   12-15-10

So, God delights in us, right? I learned something today. That also means that He thinks we're funny. God thinks we are hilarious! So next time you say something that you think is funny, but nobody else gets (which happens to me often...) just remember God is laughing with you!

Just a thought for the day :)

Day 81    Saturday   12-18-10

Isaiah 61:3b

He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.

Wow. Tonight is my 2nd to last night in the prayer room. I go home on Monday and I am so excited! This week God has been showing me the big picture of what He has done in my heart.

Along with my identity being firmly rooted and grounded in Him (although it is still a process). He has given me beauty for my ashes.

For the first time, ever, I see myself as God sees me. Beautiful both inside and out.

I am so thankful for what He has done, I don't have the words to express myself. All the things I have written about, the healings, the things He has told me, those were all little brush strokes in the picture of my heart.

People have told me I look different, I carry myself differently, and it's so true. I feel different! I am so alive!

I can't wait to see what the next three months brings.

"I'm more than what these ashes say

For they will fade away when He comes for me.

By grace, through faith in Christ I'm saved

I am not the same when He looks at me.

I am the rose, the joy for which You died,

And this I know I move You with delight.

And when my heart condemns on everyside,

I take refuge in the truth, I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye

I'm hidden in now in Christ, and I'm one with Him.

My love is real before His eyes

He's ravished by the sight of one glance from me.

I am the rose, I am the lily,

I am Yours, I am Your beauty! "

Week Eleven - I Believe You Move at the Sound of My Voice

Day 69   Monday   12-6-10

Song of Solomon 1:5a

I am dark, but lovely.

Psalm 30:5, 33:5

His anger lasts for a moment, His favor lasts a lifetime! He loves whatever is just and good and His unfailing love fills the Earth.

God has been doing a lot these last few days. He has asked me challenging questions, called me to do difficult things but I have also had to question Him and who He is. 

I have been reading through the old testament the last couple of weeks. At this point, I've gotten through Genesis Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers, currently reading Deuteronomy. I got really tripped up in Numbers because of how severely God punished the Israelites for breaking the law. He seemed to me to be an angry, mean God. But I had just broken that mindset and I was actually starting to see Him as loving and kind. But knowing that God is always the same and never changes, I was very confused to say the least. We had a session with Stuart Greaves where we could ask him any question (he is very wise…he also has a photographic memory so any question we ask, he at least has a small answer to). I asked him about this. He gave an amazing answer that blew my mind, but it was kind of general. I don't remember most of it though (I should have taken notes). But it left me with the question of, "Well, ok. But how does God view me when I mess up?"

I ended up having a breakdown that night in the prayer room because of that, and the other two issues piled on top of each other.

The next day, I had another opportunity to ask him this question. He explained to me that there is a difference between immaturity and rebellion. It's like a pig, sheep and mud. If you pull a pig out of the mud and clean him off, he's just gonna jump right back into it. But a sheep is going to do it's best to try and get out of that mud no matter how deep it's in or how thick it is. That's like us. If there is a struggle in our hearts between right and wrong, even if we choose wrong most of the time, God still smiles upon us because He sees that we have a "yes" in our hearts.

We may be full of filth and gross, but if we say Yes! To Him, He sees us as lovely.

Day 72   Thursday   12-9-10

Luke 4:4

But Jesus told him, "No! The Scriptures say 'People need more than bread for their life'".

Today in burn team we were giving testimonies of different missions trips we've been on and a question popped in my mind as I was reminded of my trip to Minnesota last July (I have a blog about it if you want to read it :-).

"God, how is it that people in 3rd world countries and inner cities, sometimes, have more joy, peace and desire for You than I do? How can they be so content with almost nothing?"

He answered me so clearly.

"People blame Me for starvation in Africa. They ask 'Where are You God? If You are really there, why don't You provide?' But Katie, I do provide! Where do you think they get that joy? And you can't just get peace from nowhere. I have given them a desire for Me, because that is how they will truly live."

It was such an amazing revelation. I have been "blinded", so to speak, from the fullness of these things because I do have the comforts of living and (even though that's not a bad thing) they have kept me from completely stepping into the gifts He has for me.   

Day 73   Friday   12-10-10

Matthew 22:37-38

Jesus replied "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.

"I'm in love with God

God's in love with me.

This is who I am

This is who I'll be

And that settles it,

Completely.

Right now today I'm loved by God

This is my testimony.

Right now today I'm loved by God

This is my declaration."

Around the beginning of Fire in the Night, I wrote a little about how I found my identity in others, and not Christ. I kind of forgot about that until this past week. We have had a few teachings this week that touch on the subject of being lovers of God.

We might feel called to different areas of life. Stay at home mom, doctor, preacher, teacher etc. but ultimately, our identity and calling is to be in love with God.

I thought that it would just "click" when I finally found my identity in Him. But as I look back, I've realized that it has been a process during these 3 months. Little things other people have done that would have threatened my identity in the past don't bother me as much anymore. I've always loved God, but as that love grows my identity is changing. What matters the most is that I love God, He loves me and that's it. That is who I am created to be. 

Week Ten - The Secret Garden

Day 63   Tuesday    11-30-10

"I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

Come into Your garden and take delight in me!"

Song of Solomon 4:12-13,15

You are like a private garden, My treasure, My bride! You are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of My own. You are like a lovely orchard bearing precious fruit, with the rarest of perfumes. You are a garden fountain, a well of living water, as refreshing as the streams from the Lebanon Mountains.

The past couple days, God has been highlighting this to me. I love it. I'll read it over and over again and I never get tired of it. I've noticed a difference in how I posture my heart these last few days. I'm guarding my heart a lot more (Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.). These verses feel like my life right now. I am a garden for Jesus to come and enjoy. I belong to Him alone and it will stay that way until my wedding day, when my husband takes me as his own under God's authority. Even in the midst of dating and engagement, I won't belong to him, and he won't belong to me, until we are married. I am being consecrated, set apart for Jesus Christ. This excites me, but I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's because when I think about it, I can feel His love on my heart. And that, is beautiful.

"Its not about looking for the man who has the key to my heart. It's about looking at the Man, Jesus Christ, who holds that key and waiting for a man to come along who sees I'm worth enough to ask Him for it."

~ Katie Kotila 

Day 65   Thursday    12-2-10

Matthew 5:8

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.

Something cool happened last night. In the prayer room, they had a time of praying for the sick in the room and I stood up like I always do. My roommate Kendall came to pray for me like she almost always does. A few other people gathered around too. The worship team then started playing the song:

"He is jealous for me,

Love like a hurricane,

Bending beneath the waves of His mercy."

Something in me broke and I started to cry. Kendall continued to pray and speak truth to me. After a while she looked at me and said, "Innocence and purity is all over you. God calls you pure; your name is pure." I said, "Yeah, it is." She smiled and nodded. I replied, "No, really. My name means Pure One."

Katherine means Pure One.

How could I forget?! But I am pure, and I know this because that is how God views me. The blood of Jesus has washed me clean. It's so cool that God used my own name to speak to me.

What does your name mean? Maybe God wants to remind you of something too!   

This next journal entry was from a couple weeks ago, but I switched notebooks in the middle of the week so I forgot about it. But I think it's the perfect timing with Christmas right around the corner. :)

Day 41  Monday  11-8-10

Galations 4:4

But when the right time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman. 

Thank about this. Jesus as a baby. But Jesus is God's spirit in human form. So God as a baby. But just because this baby was God, doesn't mean He was physically any different than the other babies. He still had to learn to crawl, walk, and speak. Can you imagine? The God who spoke the Earth into existence had to learn to talk all over again. The God who walked with Adam and Eve in Eden had to take His first baby steps.

Luke 2:40

And the child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him.

This verse suggests that Jesus didn't know who He truly was right when He was born (because He did, in fact, have a physical human brain just like us). Just like any other baby; they don't know who they are right away. It's something they learn! I think Jesus gradually learned/remembered that He was the Son of God. What if Jesus thought to Himself, "Something feels different about Me. Why don't I ever get in trouble like my brother James does?" 

What happened when God decided that Jesus was ready to see an angel? How would have Jesus responded?

"I feel like I know you from somewhere! Have we met before?" Ha!

Think about these questions we can ask Mary someday: (some of these are funny, but some you have to really think about to understand them)

What was it like watching Him pray?

When He saw a rainbow, did He say anything about a flood?

When He saw a lamb being led to the slaughter, did He act differently? 

Did you ever see Him with a distant look on His face as if He was listening to something you couldn't hear?

How did He act at funerals?

Did you ever try to count the stars with Him...and succeed?

Did He have any friends by the name of Judas?

What do you think He felt when He saw a prostitute offering up her body (that He made) to the highest bidder?

Did you ever see Him pensively looking at the flesh on His own arm while holding a pile of dirt?

When someone mentioned Satan, how did He act?

These questions intrigue me! What if He was reading the Bible one day suddenly He was like, "Woah! I remember now! I totally wrote this!" 

The fact that the God of the universe shrunk Himself to a couple-celled organism in the womb of a young woman, because He loves us, blows my mind.