Week Fourteen - I Will Waste My Life

Day 94 1-16-11

Psalm 27:4

The one thing I ask of the Lord, the thing I seek most, is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His temple.

Psalm 134

Oh, praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord, you who serve at NIGHT in the house of the Lord! Lift up holy hands in prayer and praise Him. May the Lord who made heaven and earth bless you from Zion. 

"If I never walk on water,

If I never see the miracles,

If I never hear Your voice so loud.

Just knowing that You love me,

is enough to keep me here.

You satisfy, I couldn't leave

Even if I tried.

Your love is better than everything, anything Jesus!" 

Tonight as I did my usual routine of praying for the ending of abortion, I kind of felt a burden on my heart for it, more than normal. As I started, the worship team started singing a song that goes, "Oh, how He loves us so, how He loves us"

I began to cry as I sang that over the unborn (saying "you" instead of "us"). I realized that I was feeling just a tiny bit of God's love for them. I said to myself, "This is what makes it worth it".

That type of prayer, that type of worship. Feeling God's heart like that even if it's only for 5 minutes at a time, that is what makes coming to IHOP for 6 months, paying $2000+, eating cafeteria food, hard times, being tired, sad, happy, sick etc. worth it. It's what makes being a Christian worth it. I made a decision that this, being an intercessory missionary, is what I want to dedicate my life to. I want to be an Anna (Luke 2:36-37) for the rest of my life, partnering with God's heart in the place of prayer, interceeding for what moves Him. I'm going to need to find support; financially, relationally, prayerfully....it will be hard. But it's all worth it.    

"I will waste my life,

I'll be tested and tried.

With no regrets inside of me,

Just to find I'm at Your feet.

Let me find I'm at Your feet." 

Day 99 1-21-11

Psalm 23:1

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 

"I surrender all, 

I surrender all.

All to thee my blessed Savior,

I surrender all.

To my Beloved and my Friend, I confess I am Yours"

This has been such a hard week! I have come to the realization that in track one, I broke a lot of wrong mindsets of myself and God, touched painful issues, all of that good stuff. But this track it's more focused on my prayer life, getting deeper into His word, and getting rid of the legit evil in my heart. Which, I have discovered, is pretty painful too. I went through that this week. I was almost constantly crying for about 24 hours. I won't go into details, but it was difficult. Toward the end of my 24 hour breakdown, my roomie Sarah handed me a note of encouragement in the prayer room of scriptures and things she felt God wanted me to know at the time. This is one that really got me:

Psalm 51:17

The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart oh God.

Katie we are all broken and fall short, but He wants your heart that He knows has been broken and trampled on. He says, "I know it hurts to give away a heart that has been hurt and rejected, but trust Me, I will not reject you. I will not turn you away. But I will embrace you. Your heart is protected in My hands, trust Me."

Until reading this, I was feeling better about everything. But I broke down again after reading this. Then today I was talking with my leader about everything that was going on and she talked about Jesus being the Good Shepherd in our lives. It was really good.

From 2-4am in the prayer room each night, they do something called Worship with the Word (WWW) where they worship, but they also sing scriptures. It's spontaneous singing, the singers sing whatever comes to their mind. It's almost like a bible study studying a verse or two by singing it. I usually just sit, listen and write down the stuff that touches my heart. Well, tonight, literally 30 minutes after talking with my leader, one verse they sang was Psalm 23:1.

This is what I wrote:

"God is my shepherd, He is the overseer over my soul. You are mindful of me. You searched me out. You care about my heart. I am not forgotten. I remember You're mindful of me, I remember Your thoughts [about me] are more than the sands of the seas. I will trust You, with all my heart with all my life. Good, good shepherd You've won me over. Good, good shepherd I give You my heart, I give You my love. Good, good shepherd You've won me over. It is good, it is right, that I totally depend on You. I trust You God, I love You God. I surrender to the Good Shepherd, I surrender to the Good Leader with all my heart."

And just as I was writing this, I realized something. Whenever I heard or said, "I will trust You with all of my heart" I always thought that meant it would take my whole heart to trust Him. But it really means I have to trust Him with my entire heart; I have to give all of it to Him...not bits and pieces, and trust that He won't hurt me...because He won't!  

Week Thirteen - It's My Joy to Love

Day 84     1-6-11

"I have said yes

I've committed to You

Day after day

I have to do it again

Because I keep falling short

You said learn mercy"

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Being back in the prayer room is like a breath of fresh air. I loved being home, but at the same time, it was really hard. I want from being in the prayer room, feeding my spirit with God's word and worshipping 6 hours a night to being at home, spending time with Him for maybe 30 minutes…maybe. I was basically starving myself. Within a few days, I felt so down and dull. In addition to not giving more of my time to Him, over break I did some things I shouldn't have, didn't do things I should have, and forgot things that God had shown me the past three months. But reading this Isaiah verse yesterday really encouraged me. I can't do this journey on my own, because if I try to do that, I will fall. But even as I fall, I can still trust in God to never fail me. He is the One who will give me the strength to run this race of faith. 

Day 85      1-7-11

"It's my joy to love

It's my joy to obey

You can have all my heart

You can have all my ways

I will give You my life

I will run hard this race

Reaching for the prize

I am Yours, You are mine.

I just want love

I just want You, God

I just want love,

Knowing You."

Numbers 6

Have you ever heard the term "Nazarite vow"? Numbers chapter 6 talks about the law of a Nazarite. The Hebrew word of Nazarite means "set apart for God, sanctified, consecrated to reflect God's glory". Toward the end of first track, I made a decision to make a Nazarite vow of not dating for three years; for reasons I won't go into, other than obedience to God. At the IHOP bookstore, they sell a 40 page booklet called "Nazarite DNA" by Lou Engle.

Lou Engle is a man at IHOP who began TheCall. Basically TheCall is a prayer movement against injustices like abortion and human trafficking. TheCall is where the pro-life organization Bound4Life came from.

Because of my back round I have a desire to see abortion ended, and adoption elevated. But lately, I've been struggling with keeping that burden alive. Every night in the prayer room, around 3:30, I take time to pray against abortion in this nation. But my love for the issue has become so dull lately and I don't know why.

So, I buy this $5 booklet thinking that it will give me tips to keep strong for the next 3 ears. Yes, I knew Lou Engle's back round and his heart for justice in America, but my mind was totally on a different track when I began reading.

So imagine my eyes widening and jaw dropping when I read this sentence on page two:    [speaking of the Nazarite vow] "It has been the spirit behind the Bound4Life prayer movement that is presently challenging the death culture and abortion alter in this nation."

Woah! I thought that was pretty cool. I went on reading about what taking a Nazarite vow looks like in someone's life and what in essence it meant. This stuck out to me:

"The Nazarite spontaneously and willing separates himself from even the legitimate pleasures (like dating) of this life in order to experience the ONE great all-consuming pleasure of knowing and loving God".

I was getting more and more excited. Chapter 3 came along, taking the specific laws of the vow in the Bible and applying them to real life today. They include "He must not drink wine" (abstaining from pleasures like TV, sweets etc). "He must stay away from dead bodies" (staying away from things that can harm your spiritual life. Pornography, witchcraft, etc). "He must not cut his hair" (living your vow outwardly as well as inwardly). By the way, I'm not going to cut my hair either, just for fun!

Lou then began writing about TheCall and the Bound4Life movement, and he records something God told him.

"I am raising up Nazarites who will set their face to tear down the alters of pornography and sexual immorality in the land. They have made the vow to stand against abortion and take care of the pregnant mothers. They burn for adoption and they challenge the sex trafficking industry…raise up a prayer movement to end abortion in America."

A nazarite vow is what led to the Bound4Life movement.

Holy cow.

Does this mean all Nazarites should have a pro-life burden? Of course not.

But that was Lou's burden and it turned into something amazing. It encourages me two ways. Gave me hope for my next 3 years, knowing that God will do something, if not many things, amazing in my heart and life. It also reignited a bit of a spark in my heart for the pro-life movement.

Day 86     1-8-11

We had church today. Guess who preached?

Lou Engle.

Crazy, right?!

The message was fantastic. Probably the best I've heard here. I would highly recommend going back to watching it. It will blow your mind.

http://www.ihop.org/Groups/1000075745/International_House_of/Events/Weekends_IHOP_KC/Weekend_Services/Weekend_Services.aspx

He spoke about a lot of stuff and toward the end he touched the pro-life subject and I began weeping as I contended for the ending of abortion. But he told a story (unrelated to Bound4Life) that is an amazing example of how powerful prayer is.

A while ago (I don't remember years) Lou had a dream. In this dream, he saw the classic Hollywood sign. But instead of saying Hollywood, it read, "Holywood". Lou and a group of friends began to pray for Hollywood, mostly that God would use it to speak His word. 7 years later, The Passion of the Christ came to theaters. Shortly after, somebody handed Lou a magazine with an article interviewing Mel Gibson concerning The Passion. This article had a "mocking" picture of a "Holywood" sign in California. Below the picture, in the article, Mel Gibson said, "I have had this vision [speaking of the movie] in my heart for 7 years."

Woah!

God even cares about Holly wood…and Broadway for that matter! And He desires to raise up those who will speak His truth through those two very influential spheres of our culture!  

Day 91    1-13-11

"This will always be my story

This will always be my song

You'll always be my Savior

You'll always have my heart."

Psalm 91:2-3,9-10

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety. He is my God, and I trust Him. For He will rescue me from every trap...if you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer. 

Last night in the prayer room, I felt a block in my heart. Or even something around it. Almost like the glass case covering the rose in Beauty and the Beast. So I asked God what it was. He told me it was fear. More specifically fear of failure and failing Him. I've done this before. I can to Kansas City for a whole summer, growing in knowledge and love for Him. Completely devoted to Christ, But I came home and within a few months, I lost all motivation to pursue Him. And it got to the point, specifically this past year, that I was not in a good place at all. Outwardly I was ok, (because I had so much head knowledge of God) but inwardly I was in a very dark place. Mostly because of compromise, deception, various pains in my heart etc.

As I prayed about it, God reminded me of Psalm 91. It is a Psalm about finding comfort in God in times of fear. I really like these four verses because it reminds me that He has always been there for me, as a refuge. That I will not completely fall like I did before, if I always run to Him. I was also reminded that living for Him, is a day by day choice. Each day that I say yes to Him, say yes to spending time with Him, He will be faiful to teach me, and protect me from falling again.

Because of this fear, I didn't want to fully open my heart to what He had for me. But now I would rather grow and learn than hold on to this fear.