Week Five - Ask, Knock, Seek... Receive!

Day 27   Monday    10-25-10

Ephesians 2:18, 3:12

For by through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father.

In whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him.

"The stars, they don't move You

The waves can't undo You

The mountains, in their splendor, they cannot steal Your heart

This God who is Holy, perfect in beauty, awesome in glory,

Is ravished by my heart.

Though I'm dark You say I am lovely

Though I'm poor You say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You

Somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart."

Imagine this; Osama Bin Laden turns himself into the US government. President Obama wants to personally talk with him. So Osama tells Obama of how he has done a complete 180 degree turn. He has left terrorism, turned himself in, has even become a Christian and now loves Jesus with all his heart. Crazy, right? Well, what if Obama saw this as a truly genuine and sincere turn around, and he thinks "Wouldn't it be great to have an ex-terrorist working with us? He knows how a mind of a terrorist works, he knows the ins and outs of terrorism, he could be very useful!" So Obama puts Osama in the US cabinet! Now Osama knows, and has access to the government and it's "insides". He is a part of the US government.

We are like that when it comes to intercession. We have decided to give up our past, follow Christ and become part of His kingdom. Therefore, we have access to His heart. We can ask God to show us what His heart is, and then we pray it back to Him. What do we need to pray it back to God if He's the One telling us what to pray for? It doesn't make sense!

Acts 10: 1-4 says

There was a certain man…called Cornelius…A devout man and one who feared God with all his household…and prayed to God always...He saw clearly in a vision an angel of God coming…and when he observed him (the angel), he was afraid and said, "What is it, Lord?" So he said to him, "Your prayers…have come up as a memorial before God."

Proverbs 15:8b says

He delights in the prayers of the upright.    

From these two verses, we see that our prayers are a memorial (or an offering) and a delight to Him. God is a god who honors our prayers. He is not distant or detached He loves to hear our voices!

Day 30    Thursday   10-28-10

Proverbs 31: 25,26,30

Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

Song of Solomon 1:15

Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have doves eyes!

I love people. I love having friends. I love helping people, I love making them happy and I love making them laugh. I love when people like me. Nothing about that is wrong, but God showed me something today. I was kind of feeling left out of a group of some of people here, and I started having these thoughts of "Well, you are too strange so they don't like you." And "They don't like you because of they way you look." I started to feel really hurt, rejected and upset. But then I heard something else.

"Katie, your identity is still based on what other people think of you. Your identity should be grounded in who you are in Me, and what I think about you."

Wow. I thought I knew who I was, a child of God, which I am but the fact of the matter is, is that for as long as I can remember, I have been surrounded by people who like me, so it's never been an issue. My identity is grounded in the opinion of others and I end up getting so hurt if I am not accepted. Yes, God made me to be a friend, and to love having friends, but if I'm not accepted by a couple people, I shouldn't be broken hearted over it. It's natural; people just aren't always going to like me. But if that is what my identity is rooted in, then I will always be striving for approval and I will get myself hurt so often. But if I find my identity in Christ, I will be able to fully become the woman He created me to be, like the one in Proverbs 31. I don't know how to begin, or what this will look like, but it's what I'm working towards!

Day 31    Friday   10-29-10

Genesis 2:21-22, 24-25

And God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, he man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

"Once again I look upon the cross where you died

I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside.

Once again I thank You

Once again I pour out my life"

"And I'll never know how much it cost

To see my sin upon that cross"

I've been here exactly a month and I have fallen in love; with Kansas City, IHOP, but most of all, Jesus! And I've got five months of Fire in the Night left!!!

We had Encountering God Service (EGS) tonight, like we do every Friday. EGS is basically like church…almost. It is a class course taught by Mike Bickle (director of IHOP) required for IHOP-U students and it counts as a credit for them. But it is also open to all the public. So there are just as many people there as there are at church each week. Anyway, we talked about these verses tonight. Did you know that this scripture about Adam and Eve is foreshadowing to Jesus and the Church? It is! God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam to pierce his side to take a rib. This is a picture of Jesus' work on the cross.  (John 19:34 - "One of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear…"). God brought Eve to Adam as a picture of bringing the Church to Jesus. (Ephesians 5:31-35 - "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife…I speak concerning Christ and the Church") God closed up Adam's flesh; this points to Jesus' resurrection. I have sometimes wondered, "Well, God is all knowing, so how did that work with Adam and Eve before they sinned? He should have known they were going to sin." It's very confusing to me. But God created Eve from Adam's side before they sinned. In other words, God's plan for Jesus to die for our sins was established before creation!

(Revelation 13:8 - "The Lamb (Jesus) slain from the foundation of the world")

Genesis 2:8-10, 15, 18-22

God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it. And God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable to him." God formed every beast…and every bird and brought them to Adam…but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for Him.

The value of our lives is not our social status, how much money have, our family etc. The value of our life is we are the suitable partner picked for Jesus. We are the choice of God for His Son. He picked me. He picked you.

Wow!

My dad, Bruce, is very busy with his work, and because of that, he hasn't been able to see most of my theater productions. And I think that really affected me more than I thought seeing as my biological father was never there. But tonight I decided to make a list of things I knew God loved about me. "He loves it when I laugh, He loves it when I sing…" and when I got to "He loves it when I act" I stopped, and I heard Him say "I was there. I saw you on that stage." I started to bawl and I kept hearing over and over again, "I was so proud of you! And I still am!" Just another glimpse of His fatherly love toward me!!!

Day 32      Saturday     10-30-10

Matthew 7:7-11

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives and he who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or of he asks for a fish, will he give them a serpent? If you then, being evil in nature, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

God is amazing! Did you that? 'Cause He is! :D I won't go into detail, but this past week, I have seen my prayers being answered and it is incredible! He is really showing me that He does hear my prayers. And not only that, but He cares too! This has really impacted me because although I haven't really realized it in the past, I struggle with doubt. Not doubt in God Himself, but doubting the fact He answers prayers. And not just prayers in general (because I have seen plenty of prayers answered) but specifically my prayers. For example, today at church, they were praying for physical healing at an alter call, specifically for people who have had an illness or condition for a very long time. So I decided to go up for my eyesight which I haven't prayed for in a long time. As people were praying for me, God showed me that I still had anger and bitterness toward Hi when e didn't heal me during my eye infection in 8th grade. I started to weep as that pain resurfaced and I asked God to give me faith for my eyesight. No, my eyes still aren't 20/20, but now in the prayer room (or anywhere else) when they ask if anyone needs prayer for healing, I'm not just gonna sit back and watch. I'm going to raise my hand, stand up, and let people pray for me. Because each time I have seen one of my prayers answered this week, it has done something to my heart.  Each time I see an answer to prayer, it's like a weight comes off my heart… or it's being softened. All this week, I have been asking God to encounter me (show me) with His love in a tangible way. I realized that the answer to my prayers is exactly that encounter I was looking for…which is an answer to prayer in and of itself! Crazy! :D  

Week Four - Show and Tell

Day 19        Saturday     10-16-10

Mark 14:3-6

 And being in Bethany at the house of Simon the leper, as He sat at the table, a woman came having an alabaster flask of very costly oil of spiknard. Then she broke the flask and poured it on His hea.

 But there were some who said, "Why was this fragrant oil wasted?

For it might have been sold for more than 300 denarii and given to the poor."

But Jesus said, "Let her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a good work for Me. 

"Like oil on Your feet

Like wine for You to drink

Like water from my heart

I'll pour my love on You

If love is like perfume

I'll lavish mine on You

Till every drop is gone

I'll pour my love on You"

First of all, I love thses lyrics and I feel like they totally explain this passage from Mark. But I want to say one more thing about it. Notice how in verse 6, Jesus defends the woman. That really showed me another aspect of Jesus. He is our great defender. Women, especially, long for a defender. God loves us so much, that He defends us. I think He would be the best person to have on our side, don't you think? Jesus defends a woman in Luke 7 and John 8 as well. :) 

Day 20       Monday       10-18-10

Numbers 16:47-48

           Then Aaron took it as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the assembly; and already the plague had begun among the people. So he put in the incense and made the atonement for the people. And he stood between the dead and the living; so the plague was stopped.

Today I really want to talk about intercession, but first I gotta share what happened in the prayer room yesterday. Usually, what I do in the prayer room, is pace. You know, pacing as in walking back and forth. The prayer room is set up so there is a front section (which is mostly what you see on the webstream) and a back section. Many people will pace in the back (they ask you not to pace in front because you would be in and out of the camera's focus) while they pray and worship. So I pace a lot.I mean, at least 3 out of the 6 hours I'm in the prayer room, just not all at once. I only sit (at a table) to journal and to study. And I pace while I pray and worship. I just can't sit for a very long time. I get tired and antsy. Also, the leaders have asked us interns to move to the front section from 4-6am because a lot of times, the worship leaders etc are more tired those two hours, so the more people we have up front, the more energy there is. I would never do it though (it's not mandatory that we do) because I knew I was going to pace half the time anyway so there was no point. On Sundays though, we are only in the prayer room from 4-6 so I do usually sit up front, just so I don't use up a table (there aren't very many tables) when I'm not going to be at it. But yesterday (Sunday) I was up front praying and worshiping with my friends when I felt like I had hit a wall. I felt like I couldn't go any deeper in God; I was stuck. So I asked, "God what can I do?" And for the third time this week (which is rare for me) I heard Him so clearly.  

"Don't pace for a week."

"Uh, ok. But, I can't sit for that long! Can I still sit at a table?!"

"Well, if you need to stand, then stand! You can still sit at a table, but no pacing for a week. I also want you up in front from the 4-6 set, so you can worship and pray completely focused on Me."

Wow. So, this is my new plan this week. I'm so excited what He will show, and tell me this week! 

Ok, now onto the scripture. In these verses Moses is in the desert with all the people and his brother Aaron. The people have become sick with a plague. This is where it gets cool. When it says "made atonement for the people" basically it means he interceded for them. Simply put, intercession is prayer. But it's more directed toward specific people or issues, not just praying for yourself. So Aaron prayed for these people and the plague stopped. That is how powerful prayer is! Aaron wasn't anyone especially special, just your average Joe. When we pray, things happen. Weather you can feel it or not things do change. We can touch, and move God's heart when we pray. He loves it when we pray! He does hear our voice! We are children of God, therefore we can stand before His throne and cry out for His heart to be made known. I find this absolutely incredible.  

Day 21       Tuesday    10-19-10

Song of Solomon 5:12a

         His eyes are like doves.

Short and sweet today. Why doves eyes? Because doves, they can't look side to side like humans. They can only look straight ahead. Also, doves will only mate once. If their mate dies, they will never mate again. I really beieve God created them like that to be an example of Him. 

In this passage, the girl in Song of Solomon (or the Church) is describing her love (or Jesus). I have always heard, "God, give me dove's eyes for You!". But this verse is saying that Jesus has dove's eyes for us too! But nothing can distract Him! :D  

Day 22       Wednesday      10-20-10                  

Psalm 146:1-2

Praise the Lord, O my soul!

While I live I will praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being

"You inclined Your ear to me

You heard my cry

It is not in vain"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101019/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/lt_drug_war_mexico

      Ok, so I have cool testimonies today. So on Sunday (technically your Monday morning, the day God told me not to pace for a week) one of the prayer focuses in the prayer oom during te 4am-6am set was Juarez, Mexico; one of the top murder cities in the world. About 5am the presence of God fell in the prayer room and about 95% of the people there were on their feet contending for Juarez. It was so powerful. If you were to read the newspaper Monday morning, you would have seen that there had been a huge $340 million dollar drug bust between 5 and 6am in none other than, Juarez Mexico. Talk about incredible! And I do not believe it was just coincidence. It's just like I was saying before about intercession. Our prayers do count! God loves it when we pray! Our prayers movethings!    

    Not pacing on Monday was fine, because I had a lot to write about etc. but last night was hard. By 230am I was sitting at my table kind of bored. I really wanted to pace...but I didn't. I was really frustrated though; I didn't feel any different. My mind was still going to the same distractions it had before. When I asked God why, the only thing He brought to mind was "obedience" over and over again. So, that's the only thing He wanted from this? But I wanted to go deeper! Then at 4am I moved up to the front section and the worship really helped, but by 515 I was even more bored and wanted to pace so bad! But God said, "No. See, you get to this point, then you pace to ignore the fact that you have more to work on in order to go deeper with Me. Just keep pushing through." Ugh. Ok, fine.

     For the past few months, I've built walls around a certain issue of pain, and I haven't been able to let go of it, or cry about it. But when we can back to the apartment, I ended up crying about something else that was dumb, then I was talking with my roomie Grace about what God had shown me about this particular painful issue and I started to weep; for 30 minutes! I started to feel this pain I had been suppressing. I have no doubt that this breakthrough was the result of my obedience to God, sitting in His presence and letting Him touch my heart! 

Praise the Lord!  

Philipians 1:9-10

        And this I pray, that your lve may abound still more and more i knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may besincere and without offense till the day of Christ.

Sincere. What do you think of when you hear that word? I don't really know what I think, but probably something along the lines of truth. Like, "I sincerely care" aka "I truly care". But if you take this word back to it's Greek roots, it literally means "without wax". What? Wax?! Huh?!?

This came from when a person went to the market thousands of years ago to buy a piece pottery, like a vase.They would be able to hold it up to the light see if there was a wax-filled crack in the piece, because sometimes the potter would fill a crack with wax and paint over it. But if the vase didn't have a wax-filled cracks, then it would be complete.  So, now replace sincere with complete...

"That you may be complete and without offense till the day of Christ."

Isaiah 64:8 says

      We are the clay, and You our potter; And we are the work of You hand.

None of us are sincere. We all have cracks, compared to the Light (Jesus) we can see just how many cracks we have. But God is the potter. He doesn't just want us to fill us with wax and paint over us, He wants us to be complete. But in order for us to be complete, we need to be broken so we can by molded by His hand all over again. He breaks us out of love.

My assistant leader, Alisha, wrote me a note today. This is what it said:

"Song of Solomon 8:6-7 (Set me as a seal upon your heart as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; it's flames are flames of fire...many waters cannot quench this love.) The Lord is setting this seal of love on you. I got a picture of you being consumed by the fire of this love. You had a smile on your face. There will be joy in this process though it will be difficult. You will experience true joy, peace, strength and love!" 

Yay God! :D 

Day 25     Saturday     10-23-10

So, today is my last night of no pacing. I think what God has shown and told me is assurance that He is pleases with my obedience, a bit more hunger for the Word, and a lessened desire to pace with a heightened desire to sit in His presence. Not to mention a few walls that have been cracked, if not torn down all the way.

Week Three - This is a Reality

This week was like a roller coaster; very emotional. There were a couple nights I didn't journal because I was kind of losing my motivation to do so. But it's ok, I'm getting back into it.

Day 13     Monday     10/11

Song of Solomon 2:4-5

 He brought me to His banqueting house, and His banner over me is love
Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick. 

"Don't let me stumble

While Your heart is breaking

Wake me up,

To feel what You feel

Wake me up from the American dream

I wanna be with You

For better or worse"

"Place Your hand deep into my heart

I'm aching for something real

Turn my little world upside down"

The last couple of days, God has really been hitting me hard with the reality of Him. The fact that He is really, truly real. I grew up being home schooled by a pastor's wife. For 12.5 years, I was doused with God, Jesus and the Bible. Being in Awana for almost 10 years, I memorized countless bible verses. But I am just now realizing that even though I always believed everything as true, God has never been a reality to me. There is only one example I can relate it to, but I don't know if anyone will even be able to relate to it.

I've known I was adopted ever since I can remember. I've always had contact with Alisha, my birth mother and her parents. Letters, pictures, Facebook, birthday and Christmas presents, for 18 years.  But it wasn't until Alisha sent me my 18th birthday present that everything changed. She sent me her journal she kept during her pregnancy. All of a sudden, a whole new world opened up. All of a sudden, there was so much more than just letters and pictures. All of a sudden, I saw a personality. It was the craziest thing I had ever felt and I am still trying to process it. Don't get me wrong, it's great! I love it. It's intriguing, confusing and emotional all in one. 

But that is how I feel with God. All of a sudden, it's not just church, or the Bible, or prayer; which is all great and necessary, but there is a personality of God that I have never seen before. There is a love of God I have never felt before. But at the same time, I don't know how to receive or respond this new aspect of God. Each time I picture God, I see that throne room from Revelation 4. It's not just a true story; this is reality. That throne room, is reality. It is mind boggling!

Day 16     Thursday    10/14

Matthew 6:31-34

Therefore, do not worry saying "What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?" 

For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek firs the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is ts own trouble. 

"Even the sparrow has a home

And the swallow a nest for her young"

I didn't really journal anything I learned in class today, but I really wanted to share a revelation I had. I was talking about what I wanted to do after Fire in the Night with one of my leaders. I really want to move here, join staff and maybe be an assistant core leader for Fire in the Night ('cuz I love these night watch hours!). Being on "staff" includes 25 hours in the prayer room and 25 hours of service work, and being a leader for Fire in the Night counts for your service. But what it really is, is basically you are a missionary. A missionary that prays for a living; an intercessory missionary. You don't have to go to different nations to be a missionary. Sitting at the feet of Jesus, crying out and interceding for our country, people groups, political issues etc is just the same, in my eyes, as going to different countries. Our prayers, move and touch the heart of God. He really does listen. So here's the catch. Like most missionaries who do travel all over the world, I wouldn't get paid; Other than a part time job, I would have to raise my own support.

My goodness.

When I realized the fullness of what that meant, I got so scared.

"God! How would I ever do that! It's almost impossible!"

I heard Him clear as day, I swear. It was incredible.

"Why are you scared? Do you remember how I provided what you needed for Fire in the Night, and threw in another $300+? And you already have support coming in every month from Arielle. You have already seen, testified and been thankful for what I have done. What makes you think any of that will change?"

I was speechless. It's true; I am not in want, at all. Yes, I have a budget, but who doesn't these days?! Thank You God! I am so excited to see what the future will bring.  

Day 17    Friday     10/15

Isaiah 62: 4b-6

But you shall be called Hephzibah...for the Lord delights in you...

For a s a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the Lord, do not keep silent. 

First want to point out that the word Hephzibah means "My delight is in her". Tonight we slightly touched on what this verse meant. In verses 4 and 5 it is obviously saying God delights in us. "For as a young man marries a virgin". This phrase speaks of intimacy God delights in us and He desires intimacy with us. Now, verse six doesn't seem to have anything to do with the previous verses, does it? Jerusalem, watchmen...what?! Totally random, right? Nope.

Jerusalem is the city where Jesus is eventually going to return, and there is a whole lot more to it but I'm not going to go into that right now. The watchmen are us, and we are to be praying day and night. When I say "we" I mean the church, and the prayer movement, not necessarily us personally praying 24/7.

Ok, cool. But how do these two verses work together?

The verse about intimacy obviously comes before the verse about the prayer movement...and there is a specific reason for that. Basically, the intimacy needs to go hand in hand with prayer. Both in a corporate setting (i.e. Church) and on a personal level. Of course, intimacy with Jesus Christ doesn't happen overnight. The stronger our prayer life is, the more and more intimate we will become with God. The more intimate we are with God, the stronger our prayer life will be. 

Cool, right? 

Next time you see two verses together that seem totally random, take time to, pray about, think about and study them. There could be something much deeper than what you see!

Week Two - From a Spark to a Bonfire

This week has been so much easier! I am totally on the weird schedule now so I haven't had to close my eyes for even a minute anymore in the prayer room. Depending on the day, sometimes I can even sleep until about 4pm, then we go home at 6am; that's only being awake for 14 hours. I usually don't get tired until I've been awake for 15 or 16 hours…and even then I can stay up for a little while longer.

My roommates are amazing. I share a room with Grace and Leah then Kendall, Ellen and Sarah are in the other room. It was seriously like walking into a family when I got here. We have already had awesome times in the last week and a half. I am so excited to be able to spend 3, and maybe even 6 months with them. 

My apartment leaders Amber and Alisha are also super cool. They are fun to be with but they also are incredible women of God. Amber has a 6 month old girl who is always with her and is super cute! I'm excited to spend time with them as well.

Day 5        Sunday        10/3

Isaiah 50:11

Look, all you who kindle a fire, who encircle yourselves with sparks: walk in the light of your fire and the sparks you have kindled.

            Today while listening to Mike Bickle's Power of a Focused Life part 2 with my apartment, God really highlighted a phrase that Mike said. "Turn the spark into a bonfire." Now that my heart is alive, awake and enthusiastic, I believe this phrase will be my focus for this next week. Of course, it is unrealistic for the spark in my heart to grow into a bonfire within the course of seven days. It is a process, not an overnight transformation. Mike said something else that I really liked. "Guard that spark with your whole heart. Wow. It's so true. It is so easy to snuff out a spark if you don't watch out for it. And I find it so interesting that the verse says "Who encircle yourselves with sparks". If you surround yourself with other sparks, that doesn't snuff it out, does it? No! It makes it bigger and stronger! A spark is what I am now, but the bonfire is what I am aiming for.

Day 6       Monday        10/4

"Slow to anger

Abundant in love

What a merciful

Merciful God

This is what He's really like

This is what He's really like

Think about it

Meditate upon it"

Psalm 89: 1-2

            I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever; with my mouth I will make known Your faithfulness to all generations.

For I have said, "Mercy shall be built up forever; Your faithfulness You shall establish in the very heavens".

            Tonight was tough. I've been in the prayer room for almost 3.5 hours and I haven't felt, received or heard as much as in the past. It's so frustrating because last night was so good! But I did realize something today before I came to the prayer room. I was thinking, "God, since this wek is teaching me how to fuel the fire, show me something to do with fire!". But then I realized, "fueling the fire" can be something as simple as praying; or learning one thing about Him. It doesn't technically have to do with literal fire, which, for some reason I thought it did. For example, today His mercy caught my eye through those lyrics. Just that, right there is fueling the fire!

            Have you ever realized that God actually loves giving us mercy?! 'Cause He does! It's not a thing where He says, "Oh, you screwed up big time…again. But I'm God, so I guess I gotta give you mercy…again." No! He says, "Oops! Here! I love you, so have some more mercy!" You know what else?

                                    He enjoys us.

What?! You mean like I enjoy a cupcake or a good musical? Yep exactly. Except so much more than we can ever imagine.

Yay! Yay God!

Day 7        Tuesday   10/5

Psalm 27:8

When you said, "Seek my face," my heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will seek."

"The more I seek You,

  The more I find You.

  The more I find You,

  The more I love You."

            Wow. So much has happened today. But I'll start with what happened last night after I finished journaling. Jesus totally set me free from self-hatred and comparison. I was sitting at my little table in the prayer room singing with worship and a woman came in introduced herself to me. Her name is Leah. Then she asked me, "Do you struggle with self-hatred?" I immediately started to cry. Now, I think that in the back of my head, I've always known I had a hard time with this, but I never wanted to admit it. She then asked if I wanted to be delivered. Of course I said yes. She started to pray over, and with me. After a few minutes, she wondered if I minded telling her why I had this struggle. And if you know me, you know that I have no problem telling strangers my life story. There is nothing I need to hide. And you can probably see that from all my in depth blogs I have written in the past! :-p I preceded to tell her about my 8th grade eye infection; how I gained a good amount of weight (now, that is one thing I will not share with just anyone! Hahaha!) because of my medications. There have also been people in my life that have not been the greatest for my self-esteem. And because of that, I always hated the way I looked and was mad at myself for letting it go that far. Leah started praying again and she asked me to repeat after her. She started saying, "I am not defined by ______!" and she was filling in that blank with specific things I hated about myself; things she had no way of knowing apart from God. After a few minutes of praying against the lies I had been believing and reclaiming myself as a creation of God, Leah asked if there was anything else I was feeling. I told her how I always compared myself to the pretty girls around me. So we prayed against that and broke it off of me as well.  After that, she wondered if I would be ok with going to stand in front of a mirror. So she took me to the offices in the back of the prayer room building where they have a single bathroom. She then had me stand in front of the mirror and tell her what good I saw, and how I was beautiful. It was amazing. Throughout the whole thing, I could literally feel all the gross, yucky thoughts and feelings leaving me. And I know it's hard to imagine this, but my heart, mind and spirit all felt lighter. I felt, and still feel so free. My roommates said I even look different to them. I think different too. Looking in the mirror today didn't bother me like it normally dd. Those gross thoughts weren't in the back of my mind like that had been in the past. I am so thankful Leah listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and I thank God that I am no longer bound by my image because that is not what defines who I am. The love of God defines who I am. One more thing before I move on to today. When we came into the prayer room a little bit ago, the worship team was singing about the beauty of God. I had a major revelation. I distinctly heard God say, "You never saw Me as beautiful, because you never believed yourself to be beautiful."

            Today I started my class The Life of David. Amazing class! It will probably be my favorite one. My teacher, Dale Anderson, is great! (He just came out with a book, but I forgot what it's called) He is super fun and makes the class interesting. Anyway, I got a lot from the class on just the first day. Obviously we will be studying the Psalms a lot seeing as David wrote them. Today we focused on Psalm 27. One thing they teach here is pray-reading. It's just another way of praying and at the same time getting the word of God engrained in your heart. What you do is pick a verse, then pick a phrase from that verse, then pray it back to God. For example:

John 3:16

            For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that who ever believes in Him, shall not perish but have ever lasting life.

            So I would say, "God, thank you so much for sending Your Son! Thank you for doing that so I can spend eternity with You!" That's probably not the best example, but you get the idea. What I love about Psalm 27:8 is that David is pray-reading! God tells him "Seek my face" and David prays it right back again saying, "Your face, Lord, I will seek." Wow! See, I think that in general, we tend to use prayer mainly for our sin. Meaning, we go to God day after day saying, "Oh God I messed up again, forgive me! Thank you Jesus! Amen." Or we do the same thing for asking for things. "God I need this, God I want that." But God is in heaven saying, "Oh! But wait! You didn't wait long enough to hear Me say I love you! I want to talk with you…show you more about Me!"  Have we ever stopped to think, and ask God what He wants? I know I hardly ever have. You must be thinking, but He is God…what does He want? He wants the ending of abortion. He wants the ending of human trafficking. He wants to the ending of starvation in third world countries. Well, then why doesn't He just do it then, you ask. I'm not sure, to be honest, but I do know that our prayers move Him, and touch His heart.

            In class, Dale brought up a good point. You know how when we eat, or good goes in, we process it, the good stays and we get rid of the bad. Well, what makes us think that our spirit is any different? What we feed ourselves determines the fruit that is produced in our lives. It sounded cooler when he said it…but I like that analogy.

            One more thing; today we met in small groups to learn about IHOP's history. It got done early and as we were talking, we somehow got on the subject of the will of God. My leader was saying how some people view the will of God as a treasure map. There are certain steps we have to follow in order to attain His perfect plan. Others see it as a tight rope and on either side is Hell. If you make one wrong move, you are in big trouble. But then she said that she views God's will as a playground. There is a boundary where God wants us in to keep us safe, which is good, but we can choose between the swings, slide or sandbox. Sometimes God might say, "Oh, Katie, that swing is broken…I wouldn't use it if I were you! You will fall and hurt yourself!" But for the most part, He lets us pick within the boundaries. One of the girls brought up a good point; even if you do make a wrong choice, God isn't just gonna let you go. He will be by your side, no matter what, especially if your heart is in the right place, and you are still trying to honor Him. This really helped me because when I knew I was called to IHOP, I had a choice. I could do Fire in the Night, or I could go straight to the University. Obviously, I picked Fire in the Night, but I never prayed about my choice. So in the back of my mind, I was always kind of worried I had made the wrong move. But today I realized that all I did was choose the slide over the sandbox. I am at IHOP and that is His will for me right now.

Day 8        Wednesday       10/6

Song of Solomon 4:9, 5:2

You have ravished My heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished My heart with one look of your eyes…

I sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the voce of my Beloved! He knocks saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one"…

"I'll stop trying to control You

I'll stop trying to resist You

I'll just let You love me

You really enjoy me

You really are for me

Finally I'll believe it

Finally I'll receive it"

            Today was a bit less eventful than yesterday was. We had our first weekly themes class and the theme was "Understanding God's Grand Plan". It was very hard to focus. But we did start our E-12 groups today. The "E" stands for Eschtology which is the study of the end times, and there is about 12 of us in a group. Most of you know of my love for learning about the end times, so you can imagine how excited I am about this! We learned a lot in the first session but I am only going to say one thing. So many people don't think it is necessary to know about the end times, but it is so necessary! First off, it is because the Word commands us to (Matthew 24:33, 43-44; 25:1-13 Mark 13:33-37 Luke 21: 34-36) but also because even if you don't believe Jesus is coming back in our generation, you should still know how to teach your children so they can teach it to their children etc etc so your descendants will know the truth and not be deceived by the enemy when it happens. Yes, Jesus said "You cannot know the day or the hour", but first, you have to look at the context of that verse. He was speaking directly to His 12 disciples when He said that. But we can know, and be aware of what is going on around us in the world today, and compare it to the Bible. It is so clear that it is coming soon. Another misconception is that every generation before us believed that they were the last generation. That is untrue. If you look up the statistics, only less than 1% of the church population in the past has believed Jesus was coming back their generations. But now, that percent has jumped up quiet a bit. It's because of the times we are in. (Read my blog "My Eschtology" for more).

          I found a bible verse today that I think every girl should hear.

Psalm 45:10-11, 13-14

 Listen, O Daughter, consider and incline your ear; forget your own people also, and your father's house;

 So the King will greatly desire your beauty; because He is your Lord, worship Him.

The royal daughter is all glorious within the palace; her clothing is woven with gold. She shall be brought to the King in robes of many colors.

My new favorite verse! It really confirms my revelation of God's fatherly love I had last week. I love it!

Day 9         Thursday      10/7

Revelation 4:2-3

Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne set in heaven, and One sat on the throne.

And He who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald.

"My love is real before His eyes

He's ravished by the sight

Of one glance from me"

            Today we had another weekly themes class. The theme today was the Beauty of God. I loved it. God's beauty is one thing I've thought a lot about this week. Anyway, we talked about these verses in Revelation. "Jasper and sardius stone in appearance."

A jasper is a crystal type of stone. A sardius is a deep red, almost like a ruby I guess. What do you think of when you think red? I think, love and passion. My teacher, Ruth, suggested that since it is phrased, "in appearance" that John (who experienced and wrote this) saw these attributes of God as a color. Amazing, right?! But random question. I love unique names. And I'm always thinking of fun names to name my kids. And I really want twins. Do you think it would be weird if I named a set of twins (girl and boy) Jasper and Saridus? I think it would be cool. But my mind is very out there...so I don't know. :D 

            Ruth said something else. "We tend to associate beauty with our external image." I think that we, as a culture, has forgotten that God is the epitome of Beauty. He was Beautiful before time began. It was cool, because this goes with what God showed me earlier this week!

           The emerald rainbow around His throne (verse 3) is thought to be God's mercy, which is interesting. If all of His judgments come from that throne, then those judgments have to be filtered through His mercy. Wow.

            Take a second to think about your worst enemy. Now think about marrying them….and liking it! Have you ever realized that in a way, Jesus (the bridegroom) is doing that with the Church (the bride)?

                        Think about it.

            When we are born, we are born sinners, enemies of God. But because of His gift of mercy and forgiveness, we can become friends of the Bridegroom. He has the power to change our hearts to the place where Jesus is excited to marry the Church, where He desires us!

                        He desires us.   

John 17: 22-24
"And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they ma be one just as We are one.

I in them and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.

Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold my Glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundations of the world.

All this week, God has been hitting me with His love. I have never understood it like this before. Each day, it is becoming more and more real to me. It's not just a true story anymore. It is reality. There is a God who really loves me. There is that throne room from Revelation 4. It's not just a far off idea anymore. It is truth. I have no idea how to put into words what I am feeling.

                        God loves me.

I am His favorite one. But what is incredible about that is that you are His favorite one too!

Day 10       Friday       10/8

Song of Solomon 1:5a, 15; 4:7; 7:5b,6,10

I am dark, but lovely.

Behold, you are fair my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes.

You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you.

The King is held captive by your tresses.

How fair and how pleasant you are, O Love, with your delights!

I am my beloved's and His desire is toward me.

"This joy I have

  The world didn't give it

  The world can't take it away

  'Cause I'm living for another day

   I've got the joy dwelling inside of me,

  Living inside of me!"

I am beautiful. I am unique. I am fully delivered from my self-hatred.

Luke 11:24-26a says

 When an unclean spirit goes out of a man he goes through dry places seeking rest; and finding none, he says "I will go back from where I came". And when he comes, he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there.

No, I was not demon possessed, but I was listening to and agreeing with lies about my self image. It's called being "oppressed". Then I was freed from self hatred. For about a day, I felt fantastic; no negative thoughts, no comparison. But all of a sudden, I'm struggling again, and it's because of what Luke 11 says. I try and counteract the negativity with thoughts like, "Yes, I am beautiful" etc. But if feels like I'm just trying to convince myself, like I don’t really believe it….like before. I talked to one of my leaders and she gave me a great picture.

            You are on the ground, and the enemy is trampling you (my self-hatred). Jesus comes, picks you up and gives you a sword (the Word of God). Now you are up, and so excited 'cause you aren't being attacked (my fantastic day). All of a sudden, the enemy starts rushing at you again, but now you are standing up, and you have a weapon and can defend yourself.

It's so true! Yes, I am free, but I'm still going to be attacked. But I can defend myself with the Word of God…hence the Song of Solomon scripture today. And the more I know His word, the stronger I will be and I will be able to fend off more and more lies. If you can think of more scriptures I can use as a weapon, let me know! 

All in all, this has been a big week. A lot of distractions in my heart and mind, a lot of things God has shown me, but I am excited that this was only the first full week. I've got about 11 weeks to go....before Christmas! Today, Sunday, is my day off. I have church and then they ask us to be in the prayer room from 2am-4am. But I finally get to relax. It's great! Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts!