This week has been so much easier! I am totally on the weird schedule now so I haven't had to close my eyes for even a minute anymore in the prayer room. Depending on the day, sometimes I can even sleep until about 4pm, then we go home at 6am; that's only being awake for 14 hours. I usually don't get tired until I've been awake for 15 or 16 hours…and even then I can stay up for a little while longer.
My roommates are amazing. I share a room with Grace and Leah then Kendall, Ellen and Sarah are in the other room. It was seriously like walking into a family when I got here. We have already had awesome times in the last week and a half. I am so excited to be able to spend 3, and maybe even 6 months with them.
My apartment leaders Amber and Alisha are also super cool. They are fun to be with but they also are incredible women of God. Amber has a 6 month old girl who is always with her and is super cute! I'm excited to spend time with them as well.
Day 5 Sunday 10/3
Isaiah 50:11
Look, all you who kindle a fire, who encircle yourselves with sparks: walk in the light of your fire and the sparks you have kindled.
Today while listening to Mike Bickle's Power of a Focused Life part 2 with my apartment, God really highlighted a phrase that Mike said. "Turn the spark into a bonfire." Now that my heart is alive, awake and enthusiastic, I believe this phrase will be my focus for this next week. Of course, it is unrealistic for the spark in my heart to grow into a bonfire within the course of seven days. It is a process, not an overnight transformation. Mike said something else that I really liked. "Guard that spark with your whole heart. Wow. It's so true. It is so easy to snuff out a spark if you don't watch out for it. And I find it so interesting that the verse says "Who encircle yourselves with sparks". If you surround yourself with other sparks, that doesn't snuff it out, does it? No! It makes it bigger and stronger! A spark is what I am now, but the bonfire is what I am aiming for.
Day 6 Monday 10/4
"Slow to anger
Abundant in love
What a merciful
Merciful God
This is what He's really like
This is what He's really like
Think about it
Meditate upon it"
Psalm 89: 1-2
I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever; with my mouth I will make known Your faithfulness to all generations.
For I have said, "Mercy shall be built up forever; Your faithfulness You shall establish in the very heavens".
Tonight was tough. I've been in the prayer room for almost 3.5 hours and I haven't felt, received or heard as much as in the past. It's so frustrating because last night was so good! But I did realize something today before I came to the prayer room. I was thinking, "God, since this wek is teaching me how to fuel the fire, show me something to do with fire!". But then I realized, "fueling the fire" can be something as simple as praying; or learning one thing about Him. It doesn't technically have to do with literal fire, which, for some reason I thought it did. For example, today His mercy caught my eye through those lyrics. Just that, right there is fueling the fire!
Have you ever realized that God actually loves giving us mercy?! 'Cause He does! It's not a thing where He says, "Oh, you screwed up big time…again. But I'm God, so I guess I gotta give you mercy…again." No! He says, "Oops! Here! I love you, so have some more mercy!" You know what else?
He enjoys us.
What?! You mean like I enjoy a cupcake or a good musical? Yep exactly. Except so much more than we can ever imagine.
Yay! Yay God!
Day 7 Tuesday 10/5
Psalm 27:8
When you said, "Seek my face," my heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will seek."
"The more I seek You,
The more I find You.
The more I find You,
The more I love You."
Wow. So much has happened today. But I'll start with what happened last night after I finished journaling. Jesus totally set me free from self-hatred and comparison. I was sitting at my little table in the prayer room singing with worship and a woman came in introduced herself to me. Her name is Leah. Then she asked me, "Do you struggle with self-hatred?" I immediately started to cry. Now, I think that in the back of my head, I've always known I had a hard time with this, but I never wanted to admit it. She then asked if I wanted to be delivered. Of course I said yes. She started to pray over, and with me. After a few minutes, she wondered if I minded telling her why I had this struggle. And if you know me, you know that I have no problem telling strangers my life story. There is nothing I need to hide. And you can probably see that from all my in depth blogs I have written in the past! :-p I preceded to tell her about my 8th grade eye infection; how I gained a good amount of weight (now, that is one thing I will not share with just anyone! Hahaha!) because of my medications. There have also been people in my life that have not been the greatest for my self-esteem. And because of that, I always hated the way I looked and was mad at myself for letting it go that far. Leah started praying again and she asked me to repeat after her. She started saying, "I am not defined by ______!" and she was filling in that blank with specific things I hated about myself; things she had no way of knowing apart from God. After a few minutes of praying against the lies I had been believing and reclaiming myself as a creation of God, Leah asked if there was anything else I was feeling. I told her how I always compared myself to the pretty girls around me. So we prayed against that and broke it off of me as well. After that, she wondered if I would be ok with going to stand in front of a mirror. So she took me to the offices in the back of the prayer room building where they have a single bathroom. She then had me stand in front of the mirror and tell her what good I saw, and how I was beautiful. It was amazing. Throughout the whole thing, I could literally feel all the gross, yucky thoughts and feelings leaving me. And I know it's hard to imagine this, but my heart, mind and spirit all felt lighter. I felt, and still feel so free. My roommates said I even look different to them. I think different too. Looking in the mirror today didn't bother me like it normally dd. Those gross thoughts weren't in the back of my mind like that had been in the past. I am so thankful Leah listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and I thank God that I am no longer bound by my image because that is not what defines who I am. The love of God defines who I am. One more thing before I move on to today. When we came into the prayer room a little bit ago, the worship team was singing about the beauty of God. I had a major revelation. I distinctly heard God say, "You never saw Me as beautiful, because you never believed yourself to be beautiful."
Today I started my class The Life of David. Amazing class! It will probably be my favorite one. My teacher, Dale Anderson, is great! (He just came out with a book, but I forgot what it's called) He is super fun and makes the class interesting. Anyway, I got a lot from the class on just the first day. Obviously we will be studying the Psalms a lot seeing as David wrote them. Today we focused on Psalm 27. One thing they teach here is pray-reading. It's just another way of praying and at the same time getting the word of God engrained in your heart. What you do is pick a verse, then pick a phrase from that verse, then pray it back to God. For example:
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that who ever believes in Him, shall not perish but have ever lasting life.
So I would say, "God, thank you so much for sending Your Son! Thank you for doing that so I can spend eternity with You!" That's probably not the best example, but you get the idea. What I love about Psalm 27:8 is that David is pray-reading! God tells him "Seek my face" and David prays it right back again saying, "Your face, Lord, I will seek." Wow! See, I think that in general, we tend to use prayer mainly for our sin. Meaning, we go to God day after day saying, "Oh God I messed up again, forgive me! Thank you Jesus! Amen." Or we do the same thing for asking for things. "God I need this, God I want that." But God is in heaven saying, "Oh! But wait! You didn't wait long enough to hear Me say I love you! I want to talk with you…show you more about Me!" Have we ever stopped to think, and ask God what He wants? I know I hardly ever have. You must be thinking, but He is God…what does He want? He wants the ending of abortion. He wants the ending of human trafficking. He wants to the ending of starvation in third world countries. Well, then why doesn't He just do it then, you ask. I'm not sure, to be honest, but I do know that our prayers move Him, and touch His heart.
In class, Dale brought up a good point. You know how when we eat, or good goes in, we process it, the good stays and we get rid of the bad. Well, what makes us think that our spirit is any different? What we feed ourselves determines the fruit that is produced in our lives. It sounded cooler when he said it…but I like that analogy.
One more thing; today we met in small groups to learn about IHOP's history. It got done early and as we were talking, we somehow got on the subject of the will of God. My leader was saying how some people view the will of God as a treasure map. There are certain steps we have to follow in order to attain His perfect plan. Others see it as a tight rope and on either side is Hell. If you make one wrong move, you are in big trouble. But then she said that she views God's will as a playground. There is a boundary where God wants us in to keep us safe, which is good, but we can choose between the swings, slide or sandbox. Sometimes God might say, "Oh, Katie, that swing is broken…I wouldn't use it if I were you! You will fall and hurt yourself!" But for the most part, He lets us pick within the boundaries. One of the girls brought up a good point; even if you do make a wrong choice, God isn't just gonna let you go. He will be by your side, no matter what, especially if your heart is in the right place, and you are still trying to honor Him. This really helped me because when I knew I was called to IHOP, I had a choice. I could do Fire in the Night, or I could go straight to the University. Obviously, I picked Fire in the Night, but I never prayed about my choice. So in the back of my mind, I was always kind of worried I had made the wrong move. But today I realized that all I did was choose the slide over the sandbox. I am at IHOP and that is His will for me right now.
Day 8 Wednesday 10/6
Song of Solomon 4:9, 5:2
You have ravished My heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished My heart with one look of your eyes…
I sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the voce of my Beloved! He knocks saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one"…
"I'll stop trying to control You
I'll stop trying to resist You
I'll just let You love me
You really enjoy me
You really are for me
Finally I'll believe it
Finally I'll receive it"
Today was a bit less eventful than yesterday was. We had our first weekly themes class and the theme was "Understanding God's Grand Plan". It was very hard to focus. But we did start our E-12 groups today. The "E" stands for Eschtology which is the study of the end times, and there is about 12 of us in a group. Most of you know of my love for learning about the end times, so you can imagine how excited I am about this! We learned a lot in the first session but I am only going to say one thing. So many people don't think it is necessary to know about the end times, but it is so necessary! First off, it is because the Word commands us to (Matthew 24:33, 43-44; 25:1-13 Mark 13:33-37 Luke 21: 34-36) but also because even if you don't believe Jesus is coming back in our generation, you should still know how to teach your children so they can teach it to their children etc etc so your descendants will know the truth and not be deceived by the enemy when it happens. Yes, Jesus said "You cannot know the day or the hour", but first, you have to look at the context of that verse. He was speaking directly to His 12 disciples when He said that. But we can know, and be aware of what is going on around us in the world today, and compare it to the Bible. It is so clear that it is coming soon. Another misconception is that every generation before us believed that they were the last generation. That is untrue. If you look up the statistics, only less than 1% of the church population in the past has believed Jesus was coming back their generations. But now, that percent has jumped up quiet a bit. It's because of the times we are in. (Read my blog "My Eschtology" for more).
I found a bible verse today that I think every girl should hear.
Psalm 45:10-11, 13-14
Listen, O Daughter, consider and incline your ear; forget your own people also, and your father's house;
So the King will greatly desire your beauty; because He is your Lord, worship Him.
The royal daughter is all glorious within the palace; her clothing is woven with gold. She shall be brought to the King in robes of many colors.
My new favorite verse! It really confirms my revelation of God's fatherly love I had last week. I love it!
Day 9 Thursday 10/7
Revelation 4:2-3
Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne set in heaven, and One sat on the throne.
And He who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald.
"My love is real before His eyes
He's ravished by the sight
Of one glance from me"
Today we had another weekly themes class. The theme today was the Beauty of God. I loved it. God's beauty is one thing I've thought a lot about this week. Anyway, we talked about these verses in Revelation. "Jasper and sardius stone in appearance."
A jasper is a crystal type of stone. A sardius is a deep red, almost like a ruby I guess. What do you think of when you think red? I think, love and passion. My teacher, Ruth, suggested that since it is phrased, "in appearance" that John (who experienced and wrote this) saw these attributes of God as a color. Amazing, right?! But random question. I love unique names. And I'm always thinking of fun names to name my kids. And I really want twins. Do you think it would be weird if I named a set of twins (girl and boy) Jasper and Saridus? I think it would be cool. But my mind is very out there...so I don't know. :D
Ruth said something else. "We tend to associate beauty with our external image." I think that we, as a culture, has forgotten that God is the epitome of Beauty. He was Beautiful before time began. It was cool, because this goes with what God showed me earlier this week!
The emerald rainbow around His throne (verse 3) is thought to be God's mercy, which is interesting. If all of His judgments come from that throne, then those judgments have to be filtered through His mercy. Wow.
Take a second to think about your worst enemy. Now think about marrying them….and liking it! Have you ever realized that in a way, Jesus (the bridegroom) is doing that with the Church (the bride)?
Think about it.
When we are born, we are born sinners, enemies of God. But because of His gift of mercy and forgiveness, we can become friends of the Bridegroom. He has the power to change our hearts to the place where Jesus is excited to marry the Church, where He desires us!
He desires us.
John 17: 22-24
"And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they ma be one just as We are one.
"And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they ma be one just as We are one.
I in them and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.
Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold my Glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundations of the world.
All this week, God has been hitting me with His love. I have never understood it like this before. Each day, it is becoming more and more real to me. It's not just a true story anymore. It is reality. There is a God who really loves me. There is that throne room from Revelation 4. It's not just a far off idea anymore. It is truth. I have no idea how to put into words what I am feeling.
God loves me.
I am His favorite one. But what is incredible about that is that you are His favorite one too!
Day 10 Friday 10/8
Song of Solomon 1:5a, 15; 4:7; 7:5b,6,10
I am dark, but lovely.
Behold, you are fair my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes.
You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you.
The King is held captive by your tresses.
How fair and how pleasant you are, O Love, with your delights!
I am my beloved's and His desire is toward me.
"This joy I have
The world didn't give it
The world can't take it away
'Cause I'm living for another day
I've got the joy dwelling inside of me,
Living inside of me!"
I am beautiful. I am unique. I am fully delivered from my self-hatred.
Luke 11:24-26a says
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man he goes through dry places seeking rest; and finding none, he says "I will go back from where I came". And when he comes, he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there.
No, I was not demon possessed, but I was listening to and agreeing with lies about my self image. It's called being "oppressed". Then I was freed from self hatred. For about a day, I felt fantastic; no negative thoughts, no comparison. But all of a sudden, I'm struggling again, and it's because of what Luke 11 says. I try and counteract the negativity with thoughts like, "Yes, I am beautiful" etc. But if feels like I'm just trying to convince myself, like I don’t really believe it….like before. I talked to one of my leaders and she gave me a great picture.
You are on the ground, and the enemy is trampling you (my self-hatred). Jesus comes, picks you up and gives you a sword (the Word of God). Now you are up, and so excited 'cause you aren't being attacked (my fantastic day). All of a sudden, the enemy starts rushing at you again, but now you are standing up, and you have a weapon and can defend yourself.
It's so true! Yes, I am free, but I'm still going to be attacked. But I can defend myself with the Word of God…hence the Song of Solomon scripture today. And the more I know His word, the stronger I will be and I will be able to fend off more and more lies. If you can think of more scriptures I can use as a weapon, let me know!
All in all, this has been a big week. A lot of distractions in my heart and mind, a lot of things God has shown me, but I am excited that this was only the first full week. I've got about 11 weeks to go....before Christmas! Today, Sunday, is my day off. I have church and then they ask us to be in the prayer room from 2am-4am. But I finally get to relax. It's great! Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts!
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